I had some free time today because I had two families cancel visits and I didn't want to go get Jack while he was napping, so I came home to try to get some housework done. I've been exhausted lately, so I plopped down in front of my computer and couldn't get away. I don't know how it happened, but I stumbled across some web pages that started to make me think....this is both a good and a bad thing.
Why are there so many children out there who lose their lives to such random, tragic events? Whether it be a babysitter shaking them, drowning in a pool or a rare disease that has no cure. All of it makes me want to cry...I mean really cry, like sobbing to the point where I lose my breath. How is it possible that things like that can happen to a child that has not gotten the chance to experience life? It's just not fair.
Maybe it's the weather, or all of these stories being brought to my attention at once or maybe it's because I'm finally breaking free of these postpartum blues that I've been struggling with for so long, but all I wanted to do tonight was cuddle with Jack and never put him down. My heart aches for these parents who can't do that with their children anymore. I treasure every hug or kiss that Jack spontaneously gives me and I can't imagine my life without them. It makes me so mad that for so long I wanted nothing to do with him and watched each day go by as if I were living in fast forward. I have a hard time remembering much of what happened in his first year and I hate myself for that.
I also thank God every day that I still have my son with me and I'm still able to hug and kiss him goodnight. I can't get back that first year, but I can cherish every second I have with him now. In that aspect, I am lucky beyond words.
My point? Hug your child every day and let them know that you love them. Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but it is truly the best and most rewarding job of my life. I'm starting to think that someone finally hit the play button for me and I can begin to enjoy life again.
I love you, my little monkey.
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